Burn Notice

I'm a basketball fan in a love/hate relationship with the pro game. It's been that way since I got home from elementary school on a Thursday in November of 1991, turned on the TV to find some cartoons, and watched Magic Johnson tell me he was retiring from the NBA because of a positive HIV test. Literally telling me [ed. note: keep in mind that I was about two weeks away from my eighth birthday at the time]. Something about that moment--that weepy scene on the television that interrupted my after school routine and felt all too personal--triggered a sea change in the way I would come to view the NBA. This is not to say I completely turned on the game of pro basketball. Hell, I have a framed Kobe Bryant jersey hanging on my wall. I simply started to take it less seriously. A seminal moment in the development of my fanhood, if you will. Actually, this was probably a good thing given that taking today's NBA seriously is like reading Dianetics as a non-fictional account of the human condition. Wait... what? People actually do both of those things??? Fucking sheep. I only wish it wasn't spurred on by Magic's untimely retirement.

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That being said, the 58th annual NBA All-Star Game took place this past weekend in Phoenix, AZ and there were just enough entertaining moments to compel me to post a trio of worthwhile clips for your viewing pleasure.

First, Shaquille O'Neal. The Big Fella/Diesel/Aristotle/Cactus/Legendary was selected by the coaches to make his 15th-and-likely-final NBA All-Star appearance, and the significance was not lost on Shaq-Fu. Always the showman, Shaq teamed up with the season one champs of "America's Best Dance Crew," Jabbawockeez, to orchestrate a player introduction that even the most charismatic professional wrestler [ed. note: with the exception of Scott Steiner, of course] would be unable to match. I give you "Shaqawockeez":





Next up, the explanation for the title of this post. It basically involves Kevin Garnett, Craig Sager, one of Sager's fantastic one-of-a-kind suit ensembles, and live television. Great interview, or greatest interview?





As my brother Steve put it, "...why is he trying to be the Don Cherry of the NBA?" I love Craig Sager, yo.

To bring things full circle and return to my love/hate situation with professional basketball, this last clip isn't from the All-Star Game, but rather a Golden State Warriors practice from this very season. It is awesome on many levels, and pretty much sums up the current state of the NBA while also accounting for the Warriors' 19-35 record as of this writing:





There's no possible way I can add to that, so let's just wrap it up here.


(HT: Ball Don't Lie)

Mixed signals from the Sports Guy

I've always loved reading Bill Simmons. Other than checking The Effrontery [ed. note: shameless plug], there is no better way to entertain yourself during moments of extreme boredom (read: work) than reading through the Sports Guy's latest offering of banter. Because things have been busy around here lately, I'm still getting caught up on his more recent columns and rants. Well, this morning I was ripping through his NFL Divisional Playoff Preview column from two weeks ago and discovered one of the best calls he--nay, anyone--has ever made. Here's the sequence:

During breaks in the Skins-Hawks game, I was flicking over to "Beverly Hills Cop" on one of the HD channels, and maybe it was seeing Jenny Summers' come-hither smirk in high definition for the first time, but how did I never notice the smoldering sexual tension in the scene when Axel brings his old friend Jenny back to his Beverly Hills hotel room and she lays down on his bed and bats her eyelashes at him for a couple of minutes? For God's sake, she did everything but take her clothes off and assume the missionary position, and yet Axel was more interested in ordering room service for Taggart and Rosewood. I don't get it.

Which leads me to my $64,000 question: Was Axel Foley secretly gay?

In the first two "Cop" movies (I refuse to admit that "Cop 3" happened), Axel didn't have a girlfriend, and we never saw him hook up with a single girl. In "Cop 1," he convincingly pretended to be Victor Maitlin's lover in a public restaurant. In "Cop 2," he ruined what could have been a fantastic time for his buddies at the Playboy Mansion by starting a fight for no real reason with a suspected bank robber. In "Cop 1," he made Taggart and Rosewood follow him to a strip joint, almost like he was overcompensating, then spent more time looking around the club than looking at the girls. In both "Cop" movies, he ably served as a platonic friend for Jenny and Lt. Bogomil's daughter (without ever making a move on either of them); he clicked with two obviously gay characters (the ones played by Damon Wayans and Bronson Pinchot); and he loved playing a perverse cat-and-mouse game with Taggart and Rosewood (two guys). And he was willing to risk his job and his life to avenge the murder of his old "buddy" Mikey, who just happened to be coming back to "crash" at Axel's apartment on the night he was murdered. We're sure Axel Foley was straight? We're sure?

(Here's how we'll get an official answer once and for all: If Logo starts running either "Cop" movie. That's how we settled the "Was Bull Durham a chick flick?" argument years ago, when it started running on Lifetime. As far as I'm concerned, the ball is in Logo's hands. They would know better than me.)

As a person who has also viewed the "Cop" movies in excess of 300 times, I must applaud Simmons for bringing all that up. I mean, it's got to be in the "Movie Minutiae Great Call Pantheon," right? First ballot, if you ask me. Sort of like the way I felt when someone (I forget who) once mentioned to me that Martin Scorsese's mother, Catherine, played the role of Joe Pesci's mother in GoodFellas: "Yeah, I knew that already, dumbass" was my reaction [ed. note: remember, this was 1992 and I was nine years old]. He responded with, "but did you know that Scorsese's dad, Charles, played 'Vinnie' in the movie?" That totally floored me. Especially because I was so obsessed with the film that telling people I was Sicilian ("Sis-eeeel-yan," was how I'd intentionally pronounce it) and rhetorically asking "If you think I'm actually Jewish, then why the hell would mama and papa name me 'Anthony?'" was commonplace. Imagine my nine-year-old reaction to learning something new about a subject I felt I had mastered. "What a great call...I can't believe I didn't think of/know that!" pretty much sums up the feeling I had.

Anyway, back to Simmons. That deduction he made about Axel Foley's latent homosexuality is great. I rarely gush about a member of the MSM, let alone one who works for The Worldwide Leader, but it was a fantastic call--and one I never put the pieces together on. As with the Charles Scorsese revelation, shame on me.

Now, the above-referenced column was written about a week ago, on January 11 to be exact. So picture my surprise when just yesterday my friend 'Joncheeeler' [ed. note: this is someone who knows his Simmons cold] suggested, apropos of my Ted McGinley "jumping the shark" reference, that Bill Simmons might have done the same with his sports columns--as evidenced by this article about some contrived NBA theory he calls "Chemacterility." Read through the whole column if you wish, but here are a few high-, er, low-lights:

These guys eat dinner, hang out, work out and play video games together. They don't care about stats, acclaim, shots or minutes. It's a team in every sense. Even better, Boston's future is protected for years to come: Allen's contract expires in 2010, Pierce's in 2011, KG's in 2012. The Celtics are good, and they will continue to be good. What more can you ask for? When you can mix talent with chemacterility, you have something substantial.

That passage came midway through the piece, yet I was still asking how it explained 1) what "chemacterility" is, and 2) why, specifically, it is the end-all-be-all of NBA success strategies? Or, perhaps it is just a convoluted, off-base theory the Sports Guy talked himself into believing? I'm leaning towards that conclusion. Otherwise, get me and my friends on an NBA roster immediately. We eat dinner, hang out, work out and play video games too.

He then goes on to say this:

Now, if you're a Blazers fan, you're thinking, Wait, that sounds familiar! After enduring the debilitating Jail Blazers era, the locals despised the team so much that Portland's suits targeted chemistry guys...

Chemistry guys, eh? This is such an amorphous term. A player could be a 'chemistry' guy on one team, and a cancer on another. Take Stephen Jackson's sudden uptick in 'character' and 'team chemistry' upon joining the Golden State Warriors as a prime example. Before departing the Indiana Pacers midway through the 2006-2007 NBA season, he was the antithesis of a 'character guy,' known almost exclusively for his role in the infamous "Malice at The Palace" mele of 2004. He was branded a pariah and subsequently sent packing. Then he landed in Oakland and everyone expected chaos [ed. note: it is Oakland, ya know], not the perfect storm of character and intensity that propelled the 8th-seeded Warriors to an inexplicable first-round triumph over the Dallas Mavericks in the 2007 NBA Playoffs. In fact, the series-clincher against the Mavs saw him establish the franchise record for most three-pointers made in a playoff game (going 7-of-8 from long range), including makes in his first seven attempts. So where's the beef? Is he a 'chemistry' guy or not? Well, if you can't answer that question (like me), then perhaps the Sports Guy's "chemacterility" logic should be printed on toilet paper for people (like me) to wipe their ass with.

["Aaaay!"]

Yikes. I love reading his work. I really do. But I'm sure a ton of people still loved the Fonz during, and even after, his infamous cartilaginous-fish-jumping scene. Just because you admire someone or his work does not rule out the possibility of him having made the leap, as it were. It just means you are probably too deep in the forest to see the trees. That being said, I'm going to reserve judgment for a bit. But it's something I'm definitely keeping an eye on.


UPDATE (12:19 PM): After reading this post, my buddy Joncheeeler (as mentioned earlier) and I had a quick exchange on Gmail Chat:

Joncheeeler: I still think the primary reason that column is a piece of shit is that he tries to say that there's this new trend where u get character guys to build a winner, while completely ignoring the fact that u need to have a total stud bigman on your roster [ed. note: like Tim Duncan or KG] before u can operate on the "chemacterility" premise

Me: good point

Joncheeeler: and the only way to get one of those guys is to luck out and have the #1 pick when one happens to be in the draft, or make an unfair trade with your butt buddy

Me: like Ainge and McHale

Joncheeeler: exactly

Good stuff there.

Attention Hillary Clinton

This is how you run a campaign:




It certainly seems to be paying off for CB4 [ed note: not to be confused with the "Straight Outta Locash" CB4]:

NEW YORK (AP) -- Here are the third set of voting returns for the 2008 NBA All-Star Game...

Forwards:
Kevin Garnett, Boston, 1,527,963
Lebron James, Cleveland, 1,294,019
Chris Bosh, Toronto, 411,313
Paul Pierce, Boston, 352,243

And deservedly so. He's been a beast at both ends of the floor this season, filling up stat sheets and doing it all with nagging injuries. With the seasons that Lebron James and KG are having, receiving the third-highest vote total (as of this writing) among Eastern Conference forwards ain't too shabby. Still, I'll be damned if that campaign promo hasn't been the driving force. I even think "Bubba" got a few starting votes out of it. Regardless, it's pure brilliance.

As a fan of basketball--and funny things in general--I take comfort in the fact that at least one NBA athlete with a monster game and a big paycheck isn't taking himself so damn seriously. It definitely earned my vote. Looking at the results, it probably earned yours too.

The 2008 NBA All-Star Game will take place on Sunday, February 20, 2008 in New Orleans, LA. Voting will continue through January 20 and starters will be named on January 24. You can vote for Chris Bosh or any of your favorite stars here.