Stetson Man

The Boston Globe has some news about a special new fragrance:

The marketing team at Stetson Cologne has picked a prime time to unveil another provocative picture of its spokesmodel Tom Brady.

...

Citing his "rugged sophistication" and "masculine spirit," Stetson signed Gisele Bundchen's boyfriend to a two-year endorsement deal last fall. The new cologne--Stetson Fresh--won't be available until March, but since all eyes are on Brady as the Pats prepare for the Super Bowl, Stetson decided now is as good a time as any to flog their fragrance.

The aforementioned picture:

[When I wake up in the morning, I piss excellence]

This is a definite "Michael Jordan Cologne" situation if I've ever seen one. I'll admit, I was one of the assholes who purchased MJ's signature scent when it was released in 1996. Did I ever wear it? Perhaps once, but not really. Am I glad I bought it so that now, some 12 years later, I still have the collectible bottle and package? Absolutely. Which is one of the reasons why I'll be picking up a bottle of "Stetson Fresh, starring Tom Brady" when it is released this March. Well, that and the fact that Tom Brady could sell maxi pads and I'd be lining up to get my hands on a box.

Hmmmm, that makes me wonder... If Tom Brady and Peyton Manning ever got in to the maxi pad endorsement business, would Peyton be endorsing the brand that "always lets you down when you need the most protection?" I'd think so. Brady is totally a "reliability when the pressure's on" kind of guy.

You were thinking that too, right?

The Manning Pedigree

If you repeat something enough, no matter how wacky or illogical, people will start to believe it.

Oh, what a cute baby you have! It's just gorgeous. Even with that huge mole and deformed grin, your baby is the cutest I've ever seen.

Say that 100 times to a couple that just had a painfully ugly baby, even if they know the child is hideous, and they might actually come to believe you. Okay, you'll have to leave out the 'mole' and 'grin' part, but still. No basis, reasoning or justification necessary. Just sheer repetition.

The SEC is by far the best conference in college football.

Yes, we've all seen how repetition can turn myth into verity quite quickly. Sound rationale need not apply. Which brings me to this idea:

Eli Manning has the NFL pedigree.

Really? How so? Because his brother is an overrated pro and his daddy used to be? Hmmmm. He's been in the league 4+ years and is still total garbage--even in victory, like this past weekend in Tampa Bay. His father, Elisha Archie Manning, was a fan-favorite and pretty good football player in his heyday, but played on a shit team and accomplished very little as a pro [ed. note: I had no idea his name is actually "Elisha." That makes things ten times better]. Enter Peyton Manning, who until last season was the personification of a "yeah, but" quarterback. That is, "yeah he puts up big numbers and acts really intense with all those gyrations and exaggerated mannerisms, BUT he's not a real winner." Then he lucks his way into the Super Bowl and all is forgotten. Now everyone loves to refer to the "Manning Pedigree" as a recipe for success, like some sort of self fulfilling prophecy, never mind the previous decade of spectacular failure, "idiot kicker" buck-passing, and "The Peyton Manning Face."

[The many faces of Peyton Manning]

You all know how I feel about Sir Horse Face, so I'll spare you the diatribe. You also know that I could give a shit about Eli Manning, so this isn't so much about him as it is the idea of the "Manning Pedigree." I was driving to work today, listening to morning sports radio as I normally do, and all the pundits could talk about was Peyton Manning this and Eli Manning that. All the while, the only given evidence or justification for their ballwashing was some convoluted notion of pedigree.

[Yes, yes you are]

Seriously, what the hell does it really mean? The "Manning Pedigree" and a quarter will buy a tenth of a cup of coffee, but it somehow managed to elevate little Eli to first-overall draft pick status while also explaining away the first nine years of Peyton's pro career--plus the four years at Tennessee when the vaunted QB couldn't beat Florida and never won a MNC [ed note: I love the fact that Tee Martin came in the year after his departure and won a title with the Vols. That simply doesn't get mentioned enough]. Anyway, it's very clear that pure repetition of this conception of pedigree is to blame. I, for one, refuse to sip the Kool-Aid and will attempt to wean you, gentle reader, off of it. So when you're watching the NFL playoffs this weekend, I invite you to conjure the following image EVERY SINGLE TIME the term "Manning Pedigree" is mentioned:

[The breakfast of champions...and the Manning Family]

For our readers out there in Deutschland, this might be more helpful:

[Das Frühstück der Meister...und der Manning Familie]

Finally, my NFL picks for the weekend (home teams in caps):


VS. THE SPREAD
Seattle (+7.5) over GREEN BAY
Jacksonville (+12.5) over NEW ENGLAND
San Diego (+9) over INDIANAPOLIS
DALLAS (-7.5) over New York

PREDICTIONS
GREEN BAY 24, Seattle 20
NEW ENGLAND 27, Jacksonville 17
San Diego 34, INDIANAPOLIS 31
DALLAS 23, New York 13


(photos courtesy of Getty Images and The Boston Globe)

Quick Hits

I'm all over the place today, so a few quick hits...


The Mallett. Possibly transferring? No. Definitely transferring:

Ryan Mallett's father said Wednesday the quarterback has left the Michigan football program...

The former Texas Class 4A offensive player of the year may end up at Tennessee, which is considering hiring former Michigan offensive coordinator Mike DeBord and quarterbacks coach Scot Loeffler.

Here's daddy on his son's decision:

"If they’re hired, that would be a real good possibility," Jim Mallett said. "Ryan really clicked with both coach DeBord and coach Loeffler during the last couple months of the season and during bowl practices, I’ve never seen Ryan throw the ball or read defenses as well as he did."

Soooo, you’re on record as saying he sucks? I mean, if this is the best his father has ever seen him play and practice, Mallett must have been super-awful his whole life--instead of just quasi-awful. He was horrendous this season, true freshman or not, and is a bona fide head case that the program can't afford to deal with in a transition year. Good riddance.


A2 staying in A2? Not so much:

"Today is a very emotional day for me," Adrian Arrington said in a statement released by the school. "As much as I will miss my teammates, friends and Michigan football family, I have always dreamed about playing in the NFL.

"I believe that I am ready to take on this challenge and move on to the next level. Though I will be catching passes in another city starting next fall, I will always be a Michigan man."

Sigh. No surprise there, but still. I'm saying AA will be a solid pro, and if he slips a bit in the draft and lands somewhere decent-to-good, he'll be a star.


Jay Bilas, deluded pederast. I'd ordinarily leave it at that, but Jim Carty does a fine job of breaking things down for you:

You can't take his criticisms seriously without wondering whether he truly believes what he's saying or just wants to hurt the school that hurt his friend.

Given that, it's probably time for someone at ESPN to suggest to Bilas that--after calling for athletic director Bill Martin's firing and now ripping a first-year coach who's in the midst of a rebuilding job--it's time to leave the Wolverines alone for a while.

And time for Michigan fans to turn somewhere else for serious analysis of their basketball program.

After defusing Bilas' misguided claims, Carty posted a follow-up from a local coach connected to both Tommy Amaker and John Beilein, which speaks to said pederast's bias:

I spent many days at Tommy Amaker practices and attended almost all of Beilein's practices this year before my season began. In my opinion, Michigan has gone from the West Michigan White Caps to the Detroit Tigers in terms of level of coaching. There simply is no comparison between these two gentlemen. Beilein will get it done at Michigan--when he has Big Ten players.

Hey, Jay? Why don't you and Ryan Mallett hop on a flight to Beantown and start fondling Tommy Amaker's balls [ed. note: no pun intended]. ASAP.

For further reading, I recommend this take from Brian at MGoBlog [ed. note: the relevant part comes midway through the post].


BCS Schadenfreude, revisited. The Columbus Dispatch has wonderful news for Rich Rodriguez and Co.:

Depending on how many juniors declare for the NFL draft, Ohio State could make a run at a third straight appearance in the national title game.

"A little bit of it will be determined by who ends up (leaving early)," Tressel said. "I'm guessing (defensive end) Vernon Gholston for sure, because being a fourth-year guy I don't know how much more he can enhance himself draft-wise...and I'm guessing maybe (linebacker James) Laurinaitis."

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiick.


Mom. So, I made the mistake of allowing my mother to read The Effrontery. Yeah. As a result, I'm starting to get e-mails like this one from Sunday:

Buon giorno, Chill,
Don't be an Eli-hater! He may not be there on 2/3/08, but he rocked today. (Flashes of his big-bro, but, yes, everyone already knows you are a Peyton-hater!) What happened to John Grudin [sic] this morning??? Is he still recovering from New Year's Eve?????? He seemed a bit comatose today.
xoxox

Whoa. Just whoa. I'm quite amused and a bit appalled all at once. So, I might as well respond, right? Without getting into the whole argument, yes, I'm a total Peyton-hater. And hate is indeed the correct word. To quote the famous Right Guard deodorant commercial, "Anything less would be uncivilized." Eli? Meh. I'm completely indifferent; to call me an Eli-hater would imply some level of interest--like, the way I am interested in seeing Peyton fail at every possible opportunity. The only thing I haven't figured out yet is whether or not I dislike PM more than Tony "Two-face" Dungy, the bigoted, intolerant charlatan who preaches goodwill towards man while openly condemning anyone who does not adhere to the tenets of his religious fundamentalism. Wait, I think we just figured out the answer. Still doesn't change the fact that my mom roots for the Colts when she could easily be cheering for a more noble cause. Like Tom Brady and the Pats.

As to being addressed as "Chill," well, it's better than "assface."


J Leman: Chuck Norris' worst nightmare. I linked to a superb post from Black Heart, Gold Pants about the extracurricular pursuits of one J Leman, All-American Hero. You can find it in the "This Just In..." section, but here's a teaser:

Leman's favorite infomercials are those hawking exercise products and kitchen gadgets, particularly the "Magic Bullet."

"It's the personal countertop magician," Leman said. "It can do anything in 10 seconds or less. It does it all."

J Leman is great.