Super Bowl XLII Post-Mortem

There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call... The Twilight Zone!"
-Rod Serling



Soooo, we're there, right? The Twilight Zone. It's a parallel universe, so things don't appear much different. That is what's going on, right? Everything still looks and sounds the same. The coffee I purchased this morning from the lobby kiosk in my office building still tastes like diarrhea water. LA is still a traffic-riddled cesspool of opulence, vanity, and phony status-seekers...

Yet the Patriots lost a game--no, THE game--last night. Actually, they didn't lose the Super Bowl so much as the Giants took it from them.

What in the name of the Burgess Meredith's ghost is going on here?!?!

I'm asking because I clearly have no idea. And neither do you. If you were one of the few people who picked--not rooted for, but actually picked--the Giants to win in advance of the game, it was based on one of two factors: 1) You harbor some dislike for the Patriots organization, or Bill Belichick, or Tom Brady, or the persona of a defiant winner in an age of parity, OR 2) You are a die-hard New York Giants fan who hates all things New England. And in both cases, the pick would have been made based on pure sentimentality. That is, you didn't pick the Giants because you looked at the matchup on paper and said, "yup, Tom Brady never elevates his game in the Super Bowl...Belichick can't coach for piss...Randy Moss is slower than Aaron Ross...Eli Manning never gives away games...Antonio Pierce isn't a douchebag...David Tyree will own Rodney Harrison and Asante Samuel when it matters most...and Tom Coughlin is the master of in-game adjustments." Trust me, nobody said stuff like that. Point is, there are very few people on the planet--including most within the Giants organization--that truly expected the Giants to beat the Pats.

["The best laid plans of mice and men and Henry Bemis"]

Back to The Twilight Zone. That's the only explanation I have. We're in The Twilight Zone. And to that end, I can only accept what happened last night as ugly reality--but reality nonetheless. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and what went down in Glendale, AZ was some frustrating, horrific, unexpected, ludicrous, and illogical beauty. In all my life as a sports fan, the only similar moment I can conjure took place just about 18 years ago this month. Interestingly, the events of February 1990 were equally Twilight Zoney: Nelson Mandela was about to be freed from prison after a 27-year incarceration and Mike Tyson--"the baddest man on the planet"--was in Tokyo, Japan preparing for his 10th heavyweight title defense against an unheralded, 42-1 longshot named James "Buster" Douglas. Yes, that Buster Douglas. Tyson was in his fourth year as World Heavyweight Champion and unbeaten in 37 professional fights, 33 of them resulting in a knock out. His date with destiny--a big-ticket fight against then-No. 1 contender Evander Holyfield--was slated to take place a short time after Tyson's tune-up in Tokyo. Then a funny thing happened on the way to the Tokyo Dome... Buster Douglas never got the memo.

[James "Buster" Douglas shocks the world - February 11, 1990]

Such was the case yesterday, when the New York Giants failed to receive a similar 'memo' on their way to The University of Phoenix Stadium [ed. note: what the hell is the deal with The University of Phoenix? I mean, a school without a campus or student union somehow has a stadium equipped to showcase BCS games and a Super Bowl?? What's going on with that???]. The Patriots had their date with destiny locked up. But as with Tyson, destiny had other plans and the most unlikely of champions emerged--Buster Douglas in February of 1990, then Eli Manning in February of 2008. Tyson sent Douglas to the canvas in the eighth round of their fight, but "Buster" got up and composed himself enough to deliver the knock out blow in the 10th. Shades of Brady hitting Randy Moss for the go-ahead touchdown with under three minutes to play, then watching the G-men head down the field for one of their own. The parallels are eerie and leave me scrambling for rationale, only to find myself situated in some sort of dimension "beyond that which is known to man."

Anyway, I won't bore you with analysis or redundant recaps--that crap is everywhere and you're probably sick of it by now. Instead, here are a few random thoughts that I've had over the past 24 hours:

• GrrrraaaaarrrCraaapppFACEMELTINGGGgGgggaAAAAAAaaarrgggghhh.

• The Giants won that game. No other way to look at it. Sure, one could say that the Pats 'folded' and 'blew' a gargantuan opportunity. But as Tom Brady indicated in his post-game presser, it wasn't a matter of the Pats being out of shape or under prepared. They just got beat.

• Bill Belichick failed to make the necessary in-game adjustments on offense.

• The much-maligned Patriots defense held its opponent to 17 points in a Super Bowl.

• The much-ballyhooed Patriots offense posted its lowest point total of the season, with 14.

• New York fans are annoying when they win anything.

• The Giants converted three third down opportunities during the game's first series, the longest opening drive in Super Bowl history.

• Tom Brady was sacked 5 times on Sunday--the most allowed by the Patriots during any one game this season--compared to 24 in his previous 18 games.

• I took solace in knowing that the Patriots weren't the biggest loser of the night. No, that title goes to Tiki Barber, who will have no ring because he is such a pompous ass.

• The only bit of sweetness in this bitter, bitter pill is Well Dressed Amani Toomer getting himself a Lombardi Trophy for the living room.

• Eli Manning is better than Peyton Manning. Well, maybe not. But you can't altogether dismiss that contention, and that is precisely my point.

• The "Manning Luxury Suite" is one of the worst things in professional sports. Bar none.

• I've yet to accept living in a world where Eli Manning has a Super Bowl title under his belt, but I'll have to eventually. However, I will never ever by okay with Antonio Pierce having one as well. He is by faaaaaaaaar the one player I wanted to see stretchered off the field with a broken fibula protruding through his tube sock. Alas, no dice. He evaded any possible career-ending injuries and won the Super Bowl to boot, making me doubly angry.

• Cooper Manning is the new Tito.

• We've got (at least) one more year of the '72 Dolphins, Mercury Morris and this jackassery [ed. note: the whole clip is priceless, but move to the 2:48 mark for the real magic]:

That may be what bothers me the most.

• Finally, I'm glad Bob Knight picked tonight to resign from coaching, thus deflecting some attention away from the post-Super Bowl coverage ESPN would ordinarily be running on this otherwise dead sports night.

Foot fetish

Always the ladies man, Tom Terrific was spotted yesterday en route to Gisele Bundchen's Manhattan apartment for a little TLC (and probably some wild freaky sex). He brought flowers and a walking b-- Huh? Walking boot?!?!

[That's what happens when you make a career of stomping on Peyton Manning]

Now, I'm as concerned as anyone when it comes to the health of my #1 mancrush, but this is clearly a case of pre-Super Bowl XLII mind games. Consider this:

Then, hours after being photographed, other pictures showed Brady wearing black shoes--and no boot--when he showed up at a New York club.

For one, Tom Brady has been listed as "probable" on every injury report for the past six years. For two, he was walking through New York City, tabloid media epicenter and home of the Patriots' Super Bowl opponent--if the foot were an actual issue, he a) wouldn't have made the trip, or b) wouldn't have worn a walking cast in broad daylight while being swarmed by paparazzi. For three, this is Tom "when I get bored with TV stars, I move on to supermodels" Brady we're talking about here.

He might put his pants on one leg at a time, just like you and me. Except, when he puts his pants on, the guy wins Super Bowls.

Quick Hits

So much time and so little to do.

Wait.

Strike that. Reverse it.

Some Wednesday quick hits...


Jay Bilas. ...is still a deluded pederast. But more people are starting to catch on(!), like Adrian Wojnarowski of Yahoo! Sports:

It was one thing for ESPN's Jay Bilas to keep defending Tommy Amaker's brutal run as coach at Michigan, but another to start going after his successor, John Beilein, for being honest about the pitiful program left him in Ann Arbor.

The more Bilas shills for Amaker, the more people in basketball laugh at him.

Unlike Amaker, Beilein never had the ultimate coaching godfather to pick up the phone and get him a job.

"C'mon Jay, that is terrible," an NBA scout who watched Amaker's team regularly in the Big Ten emailed me this week after reading Bilas’ blog rant.

"Almost laughable, really."

Here here. Almost as laughable as Bilas' go-to catchphrase for exalting deep 3-point shooters, where he refers to the player as being "really, really long." That's sort of like Al Michaels' famed injury remark, "he's out with a knee."


T.P. are you with me? Well, yes. Apparently, this weekend:

Big news on the Terrelle Pryor front -- he has changed his official visit date and will head to Ann Arbor this weekend (he was originally scheduled to come in just before signing day).

If anyone in Ann Arbor is listening, GO TO THE FUCKING IOWA GAME THIS WEEKEND! Sorry for yelling...in case you can't tell, Terrelle Pryor is kind of a big deal:

Pryor is a dynamic dual-threat quarterback that showcased his talent in front of a national television audience at the U.S. Army All-American Bowl. His 6-foot-6, 235-pound frame draws natural comparisons to Vince Young, and his stats support his status as the nation's No. 1 player. He finished his career with 4,250 rushing yards and 4,249 passing yards. He led his team to a state championship as a senior, as he rushed for 1,899 yards and 36 scores. He also got it done through the air with 1,889 passing yards and 23 scores.

Basically, the consensus #1 high school player in the country didn't even have Michigan on his radar a month ago. Enter Rich Rodriguez and BAM! POW! WHACK!: T.P. essentially narrows his choices to Ohio State and Michigan. Wow. Considering that, the fact there is even a sliver of a fiber of a remote chance at landing him is absolutely crazy, but then again so is RichRod and his wacko ninja offense. All bets are off. What it boils down to is (on paper) one player holding the immediate future of both football programs in his hot little touchdown-throwing hands. The projected success he is expected to have at whatever university he selects, be it Michigan or Ohio State, pales in comparison to the effect his decision would have upon the school he rejects. If he hypothetically chooses Ohio State, Michigan will still find an excellent quarterback to run the show (and vice-versa). But if this is the case, Ohio State will be the prohibitive favorite on the third Saturday in November for the duration of his enrollment. That, people, is something WORTH YELLING ABOUT. Brian at MGoBlog is of like mind and already has his Pryor Klaxons set to maximum.


Downer. This article about Antonio Bass' knee rehab is really depressing. I mean, it's nice to see him so positive and determined, but you can't help but feel for the guy. Geez.


Upper! With attrition-palooza finally over in Ann Arbor, here's someone who isn't leaving early to go pro:

University of Michigan defensive tackle Terrance Taylor won't be joining junior wide receivers Mario Manningham and Adrian Arrington in the 2008 NFL Draft.

Muskegon High School coach Tony Annese said Tuesday afternoon that his former player had decided to return to Michigan for his senior season.

"I had lunch with him and we really talked about getting a degree," Annese said. "And he said that's what he wanted to do."

Phew. In the immortal words of Bo Schembechler, "those who stay will be champions." Incidentally, they will also be college graduates. A university degree for a football player? What a novel concept.


Class. Something foreign to the city of Indianapolis and its football supporters. Did anybody catch that brief ceremony at the end of the 3rd quarter during Saturday's playoff matchup between the Chargers and Colts? Well, I did. And so did the Patriots' head honcho:

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. (AP) -- Patriots owner Robert Kraft sat behind his wide desk and marveled at how his team's jersey could be the target of so many boos -- even when it's worn by a 14-year-old girl.

This wasn't Randy Moss or Rodney Harrison hearing the catcalls. They're used to it.

This was Anna Grant, a high school freshman who had worked hard to win the Punt, Pass & Kick competition in her age group as the team's representative.

When she was introduced along with the other winners before the fourth quarter of San Diego's playoff win last Sunday, she was the only one booed by the crowd in Indianapolis, home of New England's fiercest rival.

...

"What I decided is that we would honor her here before this game," Kraft said in an interview in his office filled with photos, footballs and other memorabilia. "We will recognize her as the winner on the field. Our fans will know."

Grant returned from school Tuesday and heard a phone message from Andre Tippett, the Patriots' executive director of community affairs and a former star linebacker.

She called back and was ecstatic when Tippett extended the invitation -- plus tickets for her, her parents and two brothers -- to take part.

Go Pats. Go Bob Kraft. Go Anna Grant. And screw you, Colts fans. Just remember how much you and your organization suck while you are booing Anna Grant this weekend from your Costco-decorated living rooms. Way to send the RCA Dome out in style.


Doc & Gopher. For you "Love Boat" enthusiasts out there, check out this 30th Anniversary oral history as told by some of the show's cast members and creators. It's filled with interesting and random facts, like Producer Doug Cramer's remarks on hiring Ted McGinley, the patron saint of "jumping the shark," to breathe a little life into the series:

He was a junior Bob Redford in his day.

Yes, I especially enjoyed Mr. Redford's performances in Revenge of the Nerds and Married...with Children.


That's it for today's quick hits. I may add an update or two, depending on how the rest of the day goes. Don't hold your breath. Unless you are hoping Terrelle Pryor selects Michigan--in that case, suffocate away! If it somehow helps us nab Pryor, you will be martyred and have your praises sung for eternity.


UPDATE (4:58 PM): Some additional stuff on Pryor & Michigan from Sports Illustrated:

The nation's No. 1 player, Jeannette, Pa., quarterback Terrelle Pryor, has had quite a busy week since the U.S. Army All American Bowl. He's added a recruiting mentor, he's shuffled a few of his official visit dates and he's now interested in a new team. Here's the latest on Pryor.

"I'm taking my official visit to Michigan on Jan. 18, that's this upcoming weekend," he said. "I was supposed to go to Penn State but that's changed. I'm not really sure where I'm going on Jan. 25 and if I'll even take a visit in February. Right now it's Michigan as the only one scheduled."

Pryor has been allowing his new mentor, Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Charlie Batch, to help with the process now that it is getting more hectic.

I like that he moved up his visit to UofM in order to spend the full weekend there. Clearly, he's very interested. Unlike with Penn State--a place he isn't going to visit--where the fear of JoePa sinking those dentures into Terrelle's neck to further enhance his longevity is a real concern. Personally, I was fixated on his choice of mentor: Charlie Batch. In my best Sheila Broflovski voice, "What, whaaat, whaaaaat?" Dude! That's crazy! I mean, whether it is crazy good or crazy bad is neither here nor there...but it is definitely random. Here's the skinny:

I've known Charlie for a couple years. His brother dates my aunt. Charlie is kind of part of my family now. We talk. I asked him if he would want to go on my visits, and he said sure.

Again, not sure if this helps Michigan any or hurts it. Batch did play for the Lions at one point in his career, so hopefully he still has some fond memories of his time in SE Michigan.