I am pleased to introduce you all to an exciting new feature, created exclusively for The Effrontery: the "Illegitimate Offspring Pontification Machine" (or I.O.P.M.).
I devised the I.O.P.M. to solve the always troubling riddle of what would happen if "person-X" showed up at "person-Y's" home with a handful of Rohypnol and a 4-pack of wine coolers [ed. note: if wine coolers are unavailable because Jim Tressel already cleaned out the local 7-Eleven, a bottle of Boone's Farm would be totally acceptable].
Anyway, this groundbreaking new gadget works a lot like its popular culture forebearers, "If They Mated" and "Separated At Birth," only the I.O.P.M. seeks to go further. That is, it does not generate a photoshopped composite of two images nor does it simply compare two individuals who happen to look alike. Rather, the I.O.P.M. will scan the images of two unique individuals and instantaneously produce the actual photograph of their illegitimate offspring! Pretty snazzy, I know. What's more, this stunning new technology is not yet available to the public, but it can be accessed at The Effrontery right now at no additional (or initial) charge.
Today I present Bo Pelini, former LSU Defensive Coordinator and new Head Football Coach at The University of Nebraska, and his mate, 1950's uber-relic and creepy slice of Americana, Howdy Doody:
After unleashing a thunderous vibration, the I.O.P.M. produced this %100-accurate* snapshot of their actual illegitimate child:
[Hartline, Brian]Ladies and gentlemen, meet Brian Hartline, sophomore wide receiver and all-around douchebucket from Ohio State University [ed. note: there will be none of this "The" Ohio State University garbage at The Effrontery].
I'd submit another group of images, but in its current state of developmental infancy the I.O.P.M. can only handle so much in a given day. Fear not, gentle reader, and keep an eye out for more I.O.P.M. revelations coming in the near future.
*(MOE: +/- %100)
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